Go Go Go or No No No?

The Goal I Was Too Scared To Say Out Loud

I'm really good at setting goals. (Weird to say that out loud, but it's true.) So when I couldn't make one work? I knew something was off.

Typically, I set a goal, get clear on why I want it and how to make it happen, then go all in - go, go, go. But sometimes life says, no, no, no instead. This is one of those stories.

This happened when I decided to change how I felt about my body. My goal was clear: I wanted to be healthy, active, and proud of how I take care of myself. I used the 5 Whys to make sure I wasn't chasing a surface level goal, drilling down to uncover my deeper motivations and values.

Here's how the 5 Whys is supposed to work:
Starting with a goal, you ask "Why is this important to me?" five times to drill down from surface-level desires to core values and intrinsic motivations. It looks something like this:
Goal: I want to be healthy and active
Why? Because I want to take care of my body as I age
Why? Because I want to feel proud of myself
Why? Because I value self-respect and discipline
Why? Because living aligned with my values gives my life meaning
Why? Because a meaningful life is what I'm here for
See? All the "right" answers. Deep, meaningful, values-based. Check, check, check.

I was an avid runner (4 marathons, 4 half marathons), in my late 40s heading into my 50s, probably in perimenopause, and -truth be told- a little nervous about it. There are so many scary "you can't lose weight in menopause" stories out there. I decided to get on top of it, take care of my health, and feel good heading into The Menopause.

I started going to the gym, strength training, and eating better. Great plan. It worked for a little while, slowly. I wasn't looking for a quick fix, but something felt off. I hit a plateau - normal - but I wasn't just stuck physically. My spirit, heart, and energy weren't in it. I was going through the motions. I wasn't progressing, and while I cared about being healthy, I wasn't all in.

I'd been a life coach for over a decade at that point so I was wondering: what was wrong? I was saying all the right things, wanting all the right things. I believed I could do this. I had a great plan. So what was the problem?

As I spiraled through these questions, I decided to check if I was telling the truth about what I wanted.

WHAT do I truly want?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized what I actually wanted - but I didn't want to say it out loud. Too scared of being judged as shallow. But I did it anyway.

Truth was and still is: I want to look and feel sexy in my 50s and beyond.

That's it. Once I said it out loud, everything shifted. The energy came back. The motivation was real. But saying it wasn't enough - I needed to define what "sexy" actually meant to me.

This is where the magic happened. Instead of going deeper with more "whys", I went wider with definition:
What does "sexy" mean to me?
Strong - I want to feel physical power in my body
At a certain weight - A specific number that feels right for my frame
Lean - Visible muscle definition, not just thin
Feel good in my clothes and style - Confidence in what I wear, how I present myself

Suddenly, I had actionable dimensions. Each element suggested different actions. "Strong" meant progressive strength training and tracking. "Lean" meant nutrition dialed in. "Feel good in my style" meant finding my style and actually investing in clothes that fit the body I was building, not waiting until I "earned" them.

Here's what I learned:

The 5 Whys is powerful for checking if you're chasing someone else's goal. If your answers feel hollow or "should-y" you might be pursuing what you think you're supposed to want rather than what you actually want.

That's when you need to ask: "What do I truly want?" Not "why is this important?" but "what is the real goal I'm afraid to name?" This is the honesty check. The uncomfortable truth that might feel shallow or selfish or too much. And once you've named your honest goal - that's when you need the definitional Whats, not more Whys.

The definitional Whats break it down:
What does this actually mean to me?
What are the components of this feeling or state I want?
What would I see, feel, experience if I had this?
The Whats keep you connected to the visceral, felt sense of your goal. They create specificity. They generate action. They let you measure progress across multiple dimensions instead of one vague metric.

So here's my invitation to you:
Take a goal you've been struggling with. One where you're doing all the "right" things but not feeling it. Walk through this process:
Use the 5 Whys to for authenticity - Do your answers feel true or "should-y"?
Ask "What do I truly want?" - Name to real goal, even if it's uncomfortable
Use the definitional Whats - Break it into concrete, personal components
You might discover, like I did, that the goal you were afraid to name is the one that finally gets you moving.

And if you're a coach, therapist, leader...:
This isn't just about your personal goals - it's about your work. At SEAR, we believe you can't guide others through territory you haven't walked yourself. When you do this work on yourself first - when you get brutally honest about what you actually want and define it clearly - you develop the courage and skill to help your clients do the same.

You'll recognize when they're giving you the "right" answers instead of the true ones. You'll know how to hold space for the uncomfortable goal they're afraid to name. You'll understand the difference between going deeper and getting specific, because you've lived it.

The work you do on yourself isn't separate from the work you do with others. It's the foundation. It's how you become the kind of guide who doesn't teach techniques, but embodies the transformation.

So do the work. Tell the truth. Define what you really want. Then watch how it changes everything -for you and for the people you serve.